Yet another friend faces losing her beloved baby today, before she has her first breath, before she is held in arms, before she is greeted with smiles and adoring eyes.
Words don’t help in moments like these. Words come later. Yet those of us who have experienced the rise and fall, of hope and sorrow, of babies who will never be held in our arms. Sometimes words tumble out, without hope of stopping or filtering.
I cannot speak them to my friend today, and so I write them here, for anyone who needs them, for me, for my little angels.
No one should have to give up such a precious gift.
An angel given and taken away.
Why do you fly from me?
Why did you come?
What was His plan for you, for me?
I dreamt tomorrows and will be’s and futures to live out loud.
What now that those tomorrow and dreams are gone?
Fragmented heart, uncertain mind, lost belief in tomorrow.
Yet my anger subsides.
The belief in forever takes on flesh and becomes truth in a way never before understood. For how could such a perfect angel be created if not to spend eternity at His side, awaiting the day her parents join her in bliss?
Belief that He does not cause sorrow but rather knows it will come. Knowing that His children will suffer, that their hearts will break and lie open on the cold ground.
It must grieve Him.
With His pain, he molds the suffering into beauty and truth and light.
He uses the dark to show greatest light.
And with that, I believe again. I believe that out of suffering I must create, I must open my vessel to His hands, His words, His way through the darkness he has drawn for me.
It is only from this vantage point that I can breathe again. Open my eyes, and face that beautiful day shining fiercely into the depth of my pain.